Tail-end

I didn't want to make a post like this but I guess I did since I'm making it. You know, sometimes I wonder if I'm on the tail-end of life. I don't mean to bore you with depressing stuff if anyone is even reading this at all lol but this is my blog and my random thoughts so here goes.

There are circumstances that I have put myself in that have tarnished my record and have severely ruined the normal opportunities to me that everyone else born into this fucked up society has. It pains me that things in this country are the way that they are. However, because of these circumstances, it is hard for me to accomplish things that I may want to do in life. On top of those circumstances that I'm being extremely vague about but that you have probably already guessed the identity of, I have a health issue that has been bothering me for months. I know I will overcome these things. I have to overcome these things to be what I want to be in life. However, in the meantime, these things have been DESTROYING my spirit and just make me feel completely hopeless in regards to my own future. Because of the combination of these circumstances, it makes me feel as though every door that I try to open up for myself is now locked and I feel like I've been searching through THOUSANDS of doors to just try to get one to open and when some of them do open, I just end up slowly backing up and closing the damn door myself. It has happened so often that quite recently, I got to the point where I'm just standing in this metaphorical hallway and I'm just looking at the doors. I haven't even wanted to try to open these doors any more. Basically what I'm saying that I feel like I've given up on life, lost much of my motivation, and don't really know what else to do. I even tried talking to a therapist a couple of times. Definitely not enough to see a real change but my mind state is so negative/apathetic that even she said "for me to help you, you have to want to help yourself". And I care and I want to help myself but at the same time I kind of don't care about shit because I don't think anything I try will necessarily make me happy. 

I even keep trying to learn front-end programming and I keep losing interest and giving up. I got to a point where I could build a basic website with forms and other things but then I got to JavaScript and got so annoyed that I quit. Then I recently got back into it for a second and now it's been days since I tried to learn anything. And what sucks is that I have all the resources and this is the thing that could help me immensely financially in the long run but I have an extreme amount of trouble forcing myself to do things that I don't want to do whether they're good for me or not. It's so frustrating. I don't have any passions that I really know that are actually fun to me outside of driving and because of the aforementioned circumstances, those "doors are locked" so it's like what the fuck do I do? How do I motivate myself enough to do the things that I need to do to be successful. Nothing seems to be enough to motivate me long enough to stick with something productive it seems. I really, really, really don't know what the hell to do. Like really.

So this brings me back to the title. I feel as though I may be on the tail-end of my life. I feel like I've tried everything and a lot of days I have to fight these almost subconscious feelings of wanting to....pass on and it's getting old. I'm also afraid of....passing on because I'm afraid of the pain associated with such a thing. If I have to go I want it to be painless and possibly in my sleep. Recently though, I've achieved some type of spark so that I'm not just waking up everyday and doing nothing basically. I've been doing things out of my character that aren't necessarily good for me but at least it's SOMETHING. For example, I went into debt by things that I don't necessarily need like this laptop, a new phone, and a tattoo. This stemmed from being so depressed that I got into a state of apathy and basically said "Fuck it. I've never had these things and I've always wanted them so I'm going to get them". Again, I went into even more debt to get these things and I don't know how I'm going to pay it down and my credit has gotten worse and I'm still spending money but again I don't really know what else to do. I feel like I don't have much if anything in me left to do anything. I could move back home with my mom but because of my age, that might make my mental status much, much, MUCH worse. Who knows what I might do today or tomorrow, let alone if I move back home.

Part of the reason I started this blog is because I'm still trying to try new things. I don't know what will come from this trying new things but I'm trying my hardest not to fully give up. I do need money though. If you're reading this, I genuinely hope and pray that you don't get to a point in your life that you feel like you want to give up. I hope and pray that your mind is stronger and more capable that mine to get you out of your situation whatever it may be or that it helps you deal with whatever tough situation that you have to deal with. I only wish the best for you. 

-Peace and happiness-