Anything goes....

How's it going?

Shortly after my last post, I caught covid. Took me 3 weeks to fully get over. But this post is not about that however it does tie in a bit.

I was extremely optimistic when I first moved down here but about 2 weeks into the covid experience, I started losing the optimism because I couldn't really do anything without fear of infecting people. Supposedly you can't infect people after 10 days but who REALLY knows. I felt like I could infect anyone I came in contact with until I was healed. I even wore my mask around the house to be sure I didn't infect any family members.

More on that lack of optimism. Now I'm getting closer to the state I was in when I was up north in my last location. In the last post I mentioned that I need to just fear God and nothing else but I've been praying (half-assedly probably) and trying to be patient in letting God help me but I'm also feeling hopeless at the same time. 

It seems like I've been getting depressed more and more lately. Some days are worse than others but I feel like it's pretty bad. Ugh I don't know. I'm a grown man and can't even get my own place and live on my own and be independent. It seems like I have a bunch of stupid health issues that keep popping up which doesn't help my mind state. I'm in debt. Hey that reminds me of another thing!

I had a job for 3 days and it reminded me that I don't have the ability to work for someone else ever again. So it was a little cashiering position but it was something and I was grateful for it but for some reason I started having trouble switching to the sleep schedule required (I hate getting up early) I had to wake up at 6. Then somehow my cash register was short $50 and I'm pretty sure it was something my trainer did because she "fixed" a mistake and somehow at the end of my day the drawer was short. So after the manager talked to me about how he might have to fire me, I went home and woke up the next day and while I was on the highway headed to work I was already 15 minutes late and I was just like fuck it and kept going. Drove around for hours then went to the casino because fuck it yet again.

I feel like I care but then at the same time I really don't. I don't necessarily want to live anymore but I don't want to die either. I don't want to hurt family members with my death but I'm sick of this game that society forces everyone to play. I wish I could just relax instead of being forced into slavery like everyone else. I fight with myself everyday to not do bad things in the pursuit of money because even though I've been thinking of business ideas or 'good' ways to get money, I either can't come up with anything, come up with things that I CAN'T do because of my legal history, or come up with things that I just don't want to do in the first place.

There is slight hope I suppose. I'm going to look into going into trucking. Again. For like the 5th time in my life. Not my 5th time try to work as a trucker but my 5th time TRYING to do the trucking thing. I feel as though this is the only job that I would be willing to do but who knows. 

I don't want to kill myself and I'm NOT going to jail even if they try to take me. 

I feel as though this is my last hurrah. If the trucking thing fails for any reason (even if it's because of me) then anything goes.....

...I refuse to starve while others get fat. Not to be cliché but I have to get rich or die tryin. Please forgive me God. For the humans out there reading this, you'd have to be in the position I'm in before you judge me. Then again I don't give a fuck about your judgement anyway.

- Peace and happiness to you -